some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
