Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
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