On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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