I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
