Just took my morning after pill in the library
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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