Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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