So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
