my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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