Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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