I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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