Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
