i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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