Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.