Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.