Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
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Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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