The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
