He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
