apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
