i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
