It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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