I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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