my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The uberlube is also flammable
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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