u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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