you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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