I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
