I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
