my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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