well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
