Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Text me some of your sweat
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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