upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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