Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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