I think i peed on brittanys purse
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
