I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
