I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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