some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
