In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry about my life...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
