Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
