I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
