I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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