Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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