Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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