Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
