Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
