I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
