how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
