She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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