i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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