the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
