I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
