I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
