please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
