apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
