is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
