Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
