Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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