last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
