I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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